Exhausted

I'm utterly exhausted. By nature, I'm a person who is constantly thinking. I'm thinking about the challenges I face, the ones I'm about to face, the ones I might be facing soon... I think about the pathetic relationship I have with the Czar and Queen, and how tragic it is that a family should feel so... unlike family.

I think about how their selfishness has sapped me from getting any joy out of wedding planning. I think about how their parents must have been in order to create such people. I wonder whether they even know the joy they're missing out on by holding on to this notion that they have some kind of control over anything. I think about how this part of them might never change. I wonder what it would be like if it did.

I think about the path my life has taken and wonder if my standard of living, being lower than that of most my friends, says anything about me. I wonder if people look at me and think that I've settled...in life and in love. I think about the job I have and how thankful I am, but wonder if wanting more is selfish and immature. I think about the boy and how much I can't stand being away from him. I think about building a home with him and how far that feels.

I think about my friends having babies and having dinner with their respective families, laughing about the new tricks the babies have learned. I wonder if I will ever know that deep joy of familial peace, of knowing this is exactly how it should be, or if it will always be full of resentment and sideways comments about my weight, my failures, my shortcomings. I think about my cousin struggling with Lupus, and I wonder if she wonders the same thing. I think about friends who used to mean so much to my daily life, who now are mere updates on a computer screen.

I think too much. Lately, I've been taking melatonin supplements for sleep and St. John's Wort for mood. I think they're helping, but this deep-seated belief that my life will never change keeps me from being faithful even to that little task. I think all day about tragedy and mourn. And I'm exhausted.

The boy has been telling me lately that he wants to take me out. We eat out often, so it means something a little different for him to put it in such a way. But given this new mission of deciding where he can "take me out," I'm at a loss. How much are we looking to spend? What kind of food is he in the mood for? I'm tired, so should I pick a local place? What about this and what about that? The utterly consumption of thought has sapped me of enjoying even this simple gesture.

Exhaustion has made me forget how to enjoy anything. I can't blame that on the Czar and Queen, can I? I don't think so. So whether it's Chinese take-out and an episode of Lost or a fancy steak dinner with cocktails, I.will.enjoy.it. At least for today, I will release this big bunch of worries I've been clutching, as if the strength of my grasp can prevent any ensuing chaos.