Man-hater

I'm having a bad day. I posted on my facebook the other day that I wish I could put all my insecurities in a bottle and explode it. I don't know what combination of my personal experiences, my upbringing, etc. make me think people close to me are waiting in the wings to kick me the second I'm down, researching the most effective and extravagant way to stab me in the back, but I do. Today I'm feeling utterly insecure, running scenarios of betrayal and hurt through my mind like some "best of" movie reel.

I saw an old male friend comment on another female acquaintance's facebook wall, and it made me want to vomit. He's one of few men in my life who broke something in me. He broke my faith in the idea of the "harmless guy friend." There was one before him who did minor damage, but this was a friend who I never even entertained the idea with... and he broke my faith. I ended the friendship immediately, spent the next several months trying to restore my faith in people in general, but ever since then, there's been a bit of a man-hater in me. I had always known how to despise the Czar as a head figure, but these were peers. These were supposed to be friends.

There are a couple men who I've come across the past few years who come off as annoying but mostly harmless men, but to me, they're disgusting. I want to scratch their eyes out and kick them in a way that will keep them from breeding. Extreme, yes, but it's the honest truth. The anger and disgust I feel for these guys is extreme. I know that. But it's a common disregard for boundaries that I see that make me think they're just a breath away from crossing the line, with me or with anyone.

I started my day here. This rekindling of emotion then infused insecurity into my entire day, and it's not even 9am. I started making assumptions about the boy, thinking about scenarios where he could possible betray me, hurt me the most, and even a harmless conversation threw me into a frenzy of fear of anxiety.

It's not been a good day. But it's only 9am. Time to put on the armor and fight the lies. Funny how after a full weekend of being fawned over (literally, FAWNED over) by the boy, one seed of insecurity convinces me of his impending betrayal. Why is it so much easier to believe in the potential for bad than the existence of good?