The Czar and Queen are moving! The Czar has moved OUT OF STATE, a clear 3-hour plane ride away, and the Queen will follow in a few weeks. You'd think the very notion of freedom, in the metaphorical and now physical senses, would shove me into utter giddiness. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited as hell. But it all feels very strange at the moment. It's like I'm watching my life unfold, only I'm not really in it.
I've been wondering lately why it is that I don't get overwhelmed with emotions like I used to. Don't get me wrong, the anxiety of pending relationship doom will send me into a tailspin, but where's the quickened pace of my heartbeat when a road trip is coming up. Or the screaming, jumping up and down elation when I hear great news. Or even just telling the story really, really loud? No?
Maybe it's just the pure weight of what those things mean. It's exciting, of course, all that's happening or going to happen in the next few months before my nuptials. But there is a LOT that is changing. The biggest transition of my life (up to this point) is now coinciding with the greatest and maybe most permanent experience of separation in the single, most painful relationship in my life to this point, too. And it's not as simple as opening presents on Christmas morning. The joy of separation is also fused with grieving the end of very significant phase in my relationship with the Czar, the fear or anxiety of what's to come and the big responsibilities of being a wife and then a mother... These are crazy big changes!
I can hardly wrap my mind around it right now. But the bottom line is that there could be no better way or time for all this to be happening. Maybe more explanations on why that is to come soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment