As the wedding draws near, anxiety has become a fixture in my day-to-day life. I'm living my days at about a 6, and the hint of any hiccup...an additional task, a need to reschedule, a missed appointment...they bring me up to an 8. The second I start thinking about my parents takes me up to a 9 or 10.
The past few years, especially, I've endured my share of drama with my parents. After they moved, I felt a sense of freedom...to be able to come and go without ridicule, without the lingering possibility of an emotional and abusive episode at any given time. But as the wedding comes closer and closer, I can't help but worry. And it's not a baseless worry; there's a reason why I know they'll be angry leading up to, the day of, and following the wedding.
I keep telling myself that I should put those thoughts away, enjoy the celebration starting now, and since they no longer live here, to remove myself from situations where I might be verbally or emotionally abused. But it's returning to the scene of the crime...going back to the place where I never felt safe, loved, whole...and it scares me. Those feelings I had of loneliness, isolation, worthlessness, hopelessness...they scare me.
I really hope my wedding is happy.
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