Advice to No One

To Expectant Fathers (none of whom read this blog),

Get over yourself. At least for the 9 months during which your wife carries a bundle inside her that you created together and will soon require even more of her time and energy.

Here are a few things you should know about her experience:

• When your wife does not complain, it doesn't mean she's not struggling. She trying not to be a nag.
• When she doesn't ask you to pick up ice cream at 2am, it does not mean she doesn't want to eat something that's not there. She's trying to let you sleep, or maybe there's something else she needs more.
• When she doesn't ask you for a foot massage, it doesn't mean her feet don't hurt. She just doesn't want to be selfish.
• When she isn't eating heartily, it doesn't mean she's just not in the mood. She's trying to hide the heartburn and distaste.
• When she cleans and does the laundry, it doesn't mean she's got a surge of energy. She's trying to fulfill the role she feels she's supposed to fulfill.
• When she does not complain, it does not mean things are not hard for her. She's wishing you understood that.

Here are a few things you should learn:

• Your child does not develop needs after birth. It has needs now. It needs its mother already, even while it's in utero. Your needs already fell out of #1 priority. Deal with it.
• That said, your wife's body is not at everyone else's disposal. She is already giving her body up to her growing child, which is causing nausea, heartburn, difficulty breathing, phantom itching, discomfort, difficulty sleeping, exhaustion, and headaches. No one cares that you aren't getting enough sex or other physical affection.
• Your firm grip on your money needs to be loosed. Providing a little comfort and relief while your wife carries your child is worth more than the few dollars a month you're saving while being stingy with single degrees of air conditioning.
• Your wife's pregnancy may not be like any other you've heard of or seen on television. All you need to know is that her body is going through things she's never seen it go through before. If she needs it, get/do it. If she says it, it's true.
• Your "plans" for what kind of father/husband you'll be after the birth mean nothing. How you behave now is speaking louder than those promises.
• Even though you're a man and you may not "nest," it is your job to help your wife do it. You are not expected to understand, just to BE understanding.

Here are a few things you should and should not do:

• Rub her feet before she asks you.
• Don't just offer the things you can "do" that are practical. Sometimes she needs things that aren't practical. Ask her what she needs.
• Do the things she asks quickly. Not in your timing.
• Don't complain about what you're not getting. You're supposed to be HER support right now.
• Don't complain about what she's not doing. She is overwhelmed with her own list of to-dos (for you AND the baby).
• Don't compare her now to before she got pregnant. The rules have changed.
• Don't tell her you did something or sacrificed something for her/baby and then make her "pay" for it later. These are necessity. Not bonuses.
• When she asks you to do something, don't do the opposite. It's hardly funny during normal times, and now it's even less funny.