Who Need Drugs When I Have Denial?

I wonder every once in a while why I never dabbled in drugs, excessive drinking, or promiscuity. It would seem logical that someone who had been kept in a cage all her life would find herself imbalanced in a way that I often see exhibited in drug and alcohol abuse. I have a good friend who grew up very broken, even suffering near strangulation at her own father's hands. To me, she's a beautiful and wonderfully successful woman and someone who will always go to bat for me when she can. But I often see through the facade of the orderly appearance and see the shattered life inside. She grew up experimenting with more drugs than I can name, men often walk in and out of her life leaving behind scars of their own brokenness on her, and she currently takes antidepressants to help manage through the emotional struggles.

So why not me? Where's my drug of choice, alcohol-induced black outs, or one-night escapades? For some reason, I never found it appealing to try any drug or overdo the alcohol, which both probably have something to do with the lack of the third, but I'm starting to realize I didn't get out unscathed...I'm weak. I'm really fragile and easily broken.

All my life, I dreamed of the day when my prince would come and rescue me. He'd swoop in, shield me from the attacks, and whisk me away to the "happily ever after." But it turns out he's human. Just like me, he bleeds, bruises, and withers. This week, I think I caught my first glance of his battle wounds. I saw the blood dripping, and my initial reaction was anger. What the hell is this?... And yet a thought dawned on me. Doesn't love want to protect? Love is not selfish, and all this time I had been wanting to throw him between me and the barrel of the gun...

Romantic ideals and logic aside... at the end of the day, it's me and the boy against the Czar and the world. I don't want to fight with him about the tactics of how to fight this battle. However everyone else thinks the battle should be fought or how it can be won, no one can step into my shoes and fight it for me. So I choose to stand behind him and trust in his choices. This is NOT to say that I believe in the rightness or justifications of those choices. I am choosing him over those things. I believe that in the end, even if not now, he will arrive at the choices that are best for both of us. So if that means he must leave his post to forge new weapons or learn a new tool to win us the battle, then I must stand bravely and bleed myself.