Dream Man

After a few drinks with a good girlfriend, I'm sitting at a bar to enjoy some solitude with my thoughts when a tall, handsome man approaches me. He has a genuine smile and that "good guy" vibe that disarms my usual aversion to conversations initiated by strangers. We end up sharing some sushi and a long conversation, when I realize that we've progressed to a point where I need to tell him that I'm married. I have a kid. 

After what seems like the longest awkward silence in history, I tell him. The disappointment in his face confirms my intuition that there was something happening here. We talk about P and why I'm there, sitting alone. How unhappy I am. How alone I am. But in the end, he purses his lips and bids me goodbye. He walks out of the restaurant, leaving me to again stew in my thoughts. I feel a familiar heaviness on my heart, grieving what life is as well as what my life could have, should have, been. I'm thinking about how my reality is so full of sadness, loneliness, resentment. It feels like my dream life walked out with this man I had just met. "Why couldn't we have met sooner?" I resign myself again (for the thousandth time) to the reality that is and try to put these dreams away at the back of my mind, when the stranger (who didn't seem like a stranger at all) comes marching back in.He grabs me by the wrist and takes me outside. The street is dark but pleasant with an orange glow from the streetlights. It doesn't feel that late but I know it must be. Suddenly he draws close and plants a passionate kiss on me. It's not lust that drives him but love. It sounds ridiculous, but I know it to be true. The way he looked at me across the table, held my hand, listened intently, smiled with his whole being, I know that he feels the way I do: this is my soul mate. I'm crying now. I'm so thankful to have met him but pained knowing we can never be together. 

He says he think I'm being abused and wants to hire a private investigator. He wants to help me out of my marriage. Not so he can have me but so that I can be free. He sees that I'm trapped, in a cage. A cage adorned with all the things society tells you that you should want and need, but a cage nonetheless. Deep down I feel an immense sadness that this isn't who I'm married to, who I've built a life with, but the dominant feeling is safety...I feel so safe here. He loves me, cherishes me. He wants to protect me, adore me. This is what's missing from my reality.

No, this didn't actually happen, but some version of it has been haunting my sleep for about a week. Last week, I woke up at 1 am after having this dream with tears streaming down my face. Does he actually exist out there somewhere? Would I want to meet him? Will I ever get to feel that in my life? I was crying out of mourning--mourning for a love that I had always dreamed of but will never have.

I don't mean to over-dramatize my life now. It's not like it's THAT bad. Yes, my pain is real, my stories are real, but lately it's been quiet. Pleasant, even. I've just been extremely depressed having to accept eating crackers for the rest of my life...I've tasted ice cream, pasta, seafood, steak...but I've sentenced myself to a lifetime of crackers.

I don't think I would ever cheat on P, even though these days I secretly wish he would cheat on me so I would have an excuse to get out. But I'm finding myself longing for something more outside of him. Up until now, I longed for more with him, but now I long for a life outside of him. I want more, and it makes me equally scared and sad. Wonder flutters in and out when I see certain men here and there, and it's harmless but the longing inside doesn't feel harmless. Motherhood is unbelievably wonderful, but I envy those who are single, just starting to reach for what they want in life. There's hope left for them where there is none for me.