Hopeless?

What do you do when your supposed partner in life refused to, well...PARTNER with you?

I've been in counseling for a few months, since a big blow up with P back in May or June. During this fight, I fell to the lowest of my lows, wanting life to just end. I decided that something had to change, for real, this time. I had to create some distance, because I couldn't-- I wouldn't survive like this.

My counselor suggested that I write a letter to P describing why I had decided this distance was necessary, what I was feeling that drove me there. For the past few weeks, having finally gotten the chance to do so, I began writing this letter. I explained that I know he thinks I've changed, but that the reason lies in the troubles we've had. That I don't feel loved and because he outright refuses to give me what I've asked for to feel loved, that I can't leave myself open to hope for us. It hurts too much.

Since making the choice to create distance, I basically just put all my feelings on shut-down. Whenever I'm hurt, I ignore it. Whenever, I wish he would say he loves me, I ignore it. Whenever he says he hates a show I'm watching, when he says my outfit would look better with different pants, when he says hates the friend I'm talking to or about to meet, when he says he doesn't like something I do, I just swallow it. Because what's the point? This marriage is clearly not for my benefit, so why fight that? It's too hard.

Not surprisingly, things have been better between us. P has been more affectionate, even nicer. The problem is that he wants intimacy. It's been hard to ignore the feeling that despite me getting absolutely nothing in the way of emotional support, the love I so desperately need, he keeps demanding of me more and more. But I give in. When he asks, I give in. Because I know he needs it, and I can't stand the fighting.

The past few weeks, I've been waking up 3, 4, even more times a night. I think it's all just getting to me, and when P asked me once what was wrong, I said "nothing" and I cried myself to sleep without him knowing. I've been so exhausted. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30, but at 11, I woke to P trying to "start" with me. I made a disapproving noise and gently tried to push him off. He refused to listen, and kept going. At this point, after giving in so many times, giving my body to someone who makes me sick and makes me hate my life, to someone who has said he loves me just twice in the past 6 months, I was angry. I said, "STOP!" He got up and slept on the couch.

Today, he sent me a list we had agreed to work on--a list of 10 things the other can do to make us feel loved. One item: sex. With the one item was 3 paragraphs on why he feels neglected in our marriage because of the lack of sex in our marriage. Rather than getting angry, I asked that he send me the rest of his 9 items, because we had agreed to write 10. He said there was nothing else I could do to make him happy.

So what do I do? How do I answer that? Hasn't he now made it impossible for me? I was starting to feel better and now I feel hopeless again. Week after week, I try to tell myself I'm strong enough, God will help me, blah blah blah. Bullshit after bullshit. But when this is his response, what am I supposed to do?